PROOF THAT THERE ARE TOO DAMN MANY WEB PAGES

Shall we their fond pageant see?
Lord, what fools these mortals be!

William Shakespeare, A Midsummer's Night Dream, Act III, Scene II

• Legal in 50 States! An advertisement for the truly stupid. Offer not good after curfew in Sectors R or N.
• The History of Muzak. Everything you wanted to know about your worst elevator nightmare. Not really complete: no mention of John Tesh.
• The Roadkill Quarterly. Regularly updated info on your favorite dead furry creatures on the shoulder of Life's Highways. A lot of effort went into this one, but Lord help me if I should figure out why.
• The Watermelon Seed Removal Site. A solution to one of Mankind's most vexing problems. Check the next to the last picture - it appears it's not foolproof.
• The Charles Whitman Fan Club. Dedicated to the Texan with the high-powered rifle. I guess it's only a matter of time before Richard Speck gets his own page.
• Countdown to Wierd Al Yankovic's Birthday. Bad use of cgi scripting. How many days until he writes an original song??
• Restroom Utilitzation Management Project. Whatever you do, DON'T use the Men or Ladies room in the Computer Sciences Building at Vanderbilt University. Thank GOD it's not a Web cam!
• Dead Celebrities. A list of your favorite celebrities who have passed through the Dark Gate. It appears they had to go first through Frame Purgatory.
• Stupid Things I've Done Recently. Joel Risberg airs his dirty laundry to the world. And people complain about the lack of privacy on the 'net.
• Pluto and the Crash of ValuJet Flight 592. The real reason why the plane crashed. Oliver Stone should hire this guy for his next movie.
• The Wedgie Page. Everything you always wanted to know about the 10-year-old male's favorite pasttime. Who knows? Somewhere out there is probably a "swirly" home page.
• The Pete Best Home Page. Dedicated to the biggest loser of the 20th Century. This page is about as long as Best's music career.
• Comics I Don't Understand. bbickel@cris.com (he/she wouldn't list a real name) reveals a lack of a sense of humor. I'm sure this person doesn't watch "Dennis Miller Live."
• Bill Gates outdoes Satan. Announcing the release of Windows 666. Giving a whole new twist on the phrase "mailer deamon."
• Nerds need love, too. Markus writes a cgi script to find the girl of his dreams. On the Internet, it's probably going to be just a guy faking.
• Switchblade Sisters. The "official" Mirimax Web page pimping (as it were) one of their old releases. I can't believe Disney hasn't found and removed this page; they're in enough trouble with the Baptists as it is...
• The Jerry Lewis Ate My Balls Page. Graphic graphics of France's secular God. I just can't figure out why this guy went to all this trouble.
• The Buddist Temple for Lost Information. Ever grieve for that deleted file? Ever wish to meditate on WordPerfect for DOS 4.2? A Virtual Temple in Japan gives you the opportunity to become one with the unused, lost, or erased data. Deleted files are not gone, really; so long as we remember them.
• The EastNet Parking Cam. Who's parking in the East Carolina University Parking Lot right now? Even more boring than the fishcams.
• The Captain and Tennille Home Page. One hit in the 70s, and you're immoralized forever on the Web. Still looking for that "? and the Mysterians" Home Page.
• Uri Geller's Interactive Psychic City. Bend spoons using the power of the World Wide Web! Homepage of the man Penn Gilette loves to trash. I wasn't going to include this page, but I was overcome by a powerful urge not of my making...
• The World Geography of the Potato. A legitimate site from the Department of Anthropology, University of Georgia -- everything you want to know about our favorite side dish. That's "potatoe," right, Mr. Quale?
• Bert is Evil! Proof that Ernie's Sesame Street companion is not the lovable geek we all think he is. Yeah, and Miss Piggy is a jealous shrew. What else is new?
• The Mentos FAQ. Dedicated to the candy with the annoying jingle. Oh no! I can't get the song out of my head now!
• The Complete Lyrics to 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall. Really. Glad to have this page. After 56 beers, I tend to forget the lyrics.
• Virtual Cow-Tipping. Dedicated to the rural highschool pastime. This is what bored people used to do before they discovered HTML.
• The Web Page From Hell. Really bad HTML. The guy thought he was being cute. Actually, I think this is the best he can do.
• Communist Cannibals of Mars. Actually sent to me from the guy who wrote it, looking to be added to this list. Jim Hannibal explains that he and his friends wrote this page "cuz we can." Pretty much describes most of the pages here.
• Earth Changes Update From The Survival Center. Since we no longer have the Soviets to kick around, these Survivalists have found a new reason to dig tunnels and horde spam. Tonght we're gonna party like it's 5/5/2000.
• $10,000 Reward. Looking for the CEO of Dayton Power and Light, a dangerous fugitive. Still waiting for the Electrician; has anyone thought to call the Home Office?

 More proof will be forthcoming as I stumble across it. Remember Sturgeon's Rule: "90% of Everything is Crap."

Curator: Richard Arnold
Last Date Modified: 05/09/04