THE WORLD ACCORDING TO STUDENT BLOOPERS Richard Lederet, St. Paul's School Intro: One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot. The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessart and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants had to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites. Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of david's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines. Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable. Achilles appears in the Iliad, by Homer. Homer also wrote the Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer, but by another man of that name. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advise. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. In the Olympic games, Granks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they faught with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men. Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets the guests wore garlics in their hair. Julius Caeser extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyrrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them. Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames. King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery. King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings. Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no true man should be hanged twice for the same offense. In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head. The renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the Church door at Wittenberg for selling Papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important inventior was the circulation of blood. Sir francis drake circumsised the world with a 100-foot clipper. The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted, "Hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous because of his plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies, and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince McBeth of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hole. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. During the Renaissance America began. Chritsopher Columbus was a real navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this. One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without any stamps. During the way, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms. (Editor's note: so, he basically gave us the tank-top ;) ) Abraham Lincoln ecame America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. when Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclomation, and the fourteenth amendment gave the ex-negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would rather torcher and lynch the ex-negroes and other innocent victims. It claimed it represented law and oder. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. This ruined Booth's career. Meanwhile in Europe the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticable in the Autumn when the apples are falling off trees. Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beetoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beetoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. France was in a very serious state. The French Revloution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems, and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Hosephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear children. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is on the east and the sun sets in the west. Queen Victoria was the longest Queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign. The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormic invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote The Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the arch-Duck by a serf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history. * DEEP THOUGHTS * by Jack Handy If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something. When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil. It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill. One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late. A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby." Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games. I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it. If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink. I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman. Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man." Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out. The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten anold enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people. I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away. I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system. If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone. To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks." The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot farther?" "No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots." Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk. If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did." If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic. To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other. I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas. If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat). Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers? Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick. I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway. I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him. Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind. If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact. It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money. To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad. As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way. Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books. Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window. During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner." If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now. When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns. I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint. Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy. Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door. If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine. If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture. Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me? If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you. One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake. If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust me, it's not. Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that." Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff. For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness? I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary. If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!" Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head." Normally you would think that "fly Head" would mean a person who has beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again. Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people might actually think that. Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared. I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money." I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back. I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat." It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat is good for parties. The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. "Uh-oh," he thought. "This watering hole is reserved for skeletons." -- From a newspaper contest where entrants were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey" HONORABLE MENTIONS: My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him. It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. Home is where the house is. Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who think it odd that I drive without pants. For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with! I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right? When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks. Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!" If you really want to impress people with your computer literacy, add the words "dot com" to the end of everything you say, dot com. I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. THIRD RUNNER UP I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. SECOND RUNNER UP I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower. FIRST RUNNER UP I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. WINNER If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. HEAVY BOOTS About 6-7 years ago, I was in a philosophy class at the University of Wisconsin, Madison (good science/engineering school) and the teaching assistant was explaining Descartes. He was trying to show how things don't always happen the way we think they will and explained that, while a pen always falls when you drop it on Earth, it would just float away if you let go of it on the Moon. My jaw dropped a little. I blurted "What?!" Looking around the room, I saw that only my friend Mark and one other student looked confused by the TA's statement. The other 17 people just looked at me like "What's your problem?" "But a pen would fall if you dropped it on the Moon, just more slowly." I protested. "No it wouldn't." the TA explained calmly, "because you're too far away from the Earth's gravity." Think. Think. Aha! "You saw the APOLLO astronauts walking around on the Moon, didn't you?" I countered, "why didn't they float away?" "Because they were wearing heavy boots." he responded, as if this made perfect sense (remember, this is a Philosophy TA who's had plenty of logic classes). By then I realized that we were each living in totally different worlds, and did not speak each others language, so I gave up. As we left the room, my friend Mark was raging. "My God! How can all those people be so stupid?" I tried to be understanding. "Mark, they knew this stuff at one time, but it's not part of their basic view of the world, so they've forgotten it. Most people could probably make the same mistake." To prove my point, we went back to our dorm room and began randomly selecting names from the campus phone book. We called about 30 people and asked each this question: 1. If you're standing on the Moon holding a pen, and you let go, will it a) float away, b) float where it is, or c) fall to the ground? About 47 percent got this question correct. Of the ones who got it wrong, we asked the obvious follow-up question: 2. You've seen films of the APOLLO astronauts walking around on the Moon, why didn't they fall off? About 20 percent of the people changed their answer to the first question when they heard this one! But the most amazing part was that about half of them confidently answered, "Because they were wearing heavy boots." I say, science education must be at an all time peak !!! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Some users require a bit of hand holding. Others deserve to have them cut off and stuffed up their... well..... Once upon a time I was doing a support call - "... Ok, now type cd space..." sounds heard from the user: "click click, clickclickclickclickclick" "... um, excuse me sir, what did you just type?" "cd space." "... nononononono, space BAR, space BAR!" "ahhh. clickclickclick." "... nononononNONO!, the space bar! that big horizontal thing at the bottom middle of the keyboard! Hit delete." "ahh. Why? How will delete help?" "It'll abort what you just typed. Just hit it." "Click. OK." "... Great, now type ... cd ... SPACEBAR..." Lots of clicking noises, I decided to ignore for the nonce.... "... slash" "Slash?" "... yes, it's the key below the question mark." "Ah.... " "... and hit return." :silence: "click click click click click click" "Noooo! Noooo! the return key! the return *key*!" "I don't have a return key." "Alright, ENTER, then." "Enter what?" :under my breath: "the gates of hell." "The ENTER key, hit it please." "Ah. Hokay, it says file not found." "What?!!! - listen, what do you do there at XYZ Inc?" "I am system administrator for whole network." "Do you have a secretary or someone there I could talk to? You see, we've got another couple hundred letters to type and I don't have that kind of credit with Ma bell..." I sent him a copy of typing tutor that day. FedEx. I then called in sick for the rest of the week, hoping to avoid further blood pressure problems. Friday he called in, asks for me specifically. Seems he needed help on getting typing tutor installed!!!! A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling by Mark Twain For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all. Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli. Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld. ---------- I am absolutely not making this incident up; in fact I have it all on videotape. The tape is from a local TV news show in Oregon, which sent a reporter out to cover the removal of a 45-foot, eight-ton dead whale that washed up on the beach. The responsibility for getting rid of the carcass was placed upon the Oregon State Highway Division, apparently on the theory that highways and whales are very similar in the sense of being large objects. So anyway, the highway engineers hit upon the plan -- remember, I am not making this up -- of blowing up the whale with dynamite. The thinking here was that the whale would be blown into small pieces, which would be eaten by sea gulls, and that would be that. A textbook whale removal. So they moved the spectators back up the beach, put a half-ton of dynamite next to the whale and set it off. I am probably not guilty of understatement when I say that what follows, on the videotape, is the most wonderful event in the history of the universe. First you see the whale carcass disappear in a huge blast of smoke and flame. Then you hear the happy spectators shouting "Yayy!" and "Whee!" Then, suddenly, the crowd's tone changes. You hear a new sound like "splud." You hear a woman's voice shouting "Here come pieces of... MY GOD!" Something smears the camera lens. Later, the reporter explains: "The humor of the entire situation suddenly gave way to a run for survival as huge chunks of whale blubber fell everywhere." One piece caved in the roof of a car parked more than a quarter of a mile away. Remaining on the beach were several rotting whale sectors the size of condominium units. There was no sign of the sea gulls, who had no doubt permanently relocated in Brazil. This is a very sobering videotape. Here at the institute we watch it often, especially at parties. But this is no time for gaiety. This is a time to get hold of the folks at the Oregon State Highway division and ask them, when they get done cleaning up the beaches, to give us an estimate on the US Capitol. ---------- WHY ASK WHY Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Why are there floatation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan? If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen? If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"? Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo? You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? -------------------------------------------------------------------- I Like Monkeys > > I like monkeys. > > > > The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that > > odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a > > gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys. > > > > I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His > > name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really > > bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. > > Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing. > > > > I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new > > environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at > > high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the > > spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour. > > > > Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: > > they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. > > Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn > > cheap monkeys. > > > > I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my > > room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked > > like I had 200 throw rugs. > > > > I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. > > Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys. > > > > I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for > > a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real > > bad. > > > > I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want > > to call the plumber. I was embarrassed. > > > > I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately, > > there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change > > them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so > > it didn't all go bad. > > > > I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to > > extinguish the fire. > > > > Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in > > my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor > > wasn't improving. > > > > I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the > > bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better. > > > > I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city was not > > allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet > > one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the > > frozen ones. > > > > I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My > > friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like > > them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in > > the genitals. > > > > I like monkeys. TACO HELL by Peter Leppik The following is a true story. It amused the hell out of me while it was happening. I hope it isn't one of those "had to be there" things. On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday ca$h I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting pissed at me. ME: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go." IT: "Is that it?" ME: "Yep." IT: "That'll be $1.04, eat here?" ME: "No, it's to go." [I hate effort duplication.] At his point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and IT: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back." He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them. IT: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?" MG: "No. A what?" IT: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me." MG: "Ask for something else, THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A $2 BILL." IT: "Yeah, thought so." He comes back to me and says IT: "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?" ME: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?" IT: "I don't know." ME: "See here where it says legal tender?" IT: "Yeah." ME: "So, shouldn't you take it?" IT: "Well, hang on a sec." He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to shoplift, and IT: "He says I have to take it." MG: "Doesn't he have anything else?" IT: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change." MG: "I'M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM IN HERE." [my emphasis] IT: "What should I do?" MG: "Tell him to come back later when he has REAL money." IT: "I can't tell him that, you tell him." MG: "Just tell him." IT: "No way, this is weird, I'm going in back." The manager approaches me and says MG: "Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of night." [it was 8pm and this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoor mall with 100 other stores.] ME: "Well, here's a two." MG: "We don't take those either." ME: "Why the hell not?" MG: "I think you know why." ME: "No really, tell me, why?" MG: "Please leave before I call mall security." ME: "Excuse me?" MG: "Please leave before I call mall security." ME: "What the hell for?" MG: "Please, sir." ME: "Uh, go ahead, call them." MG: "Would you please just leave?" ME: "No." MG: "Fine, have it your way then." ME: "No, that's Burger King, isn't it?" At this point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people STARING at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45 year oldish guy comes in and says [at the other end of counter, in a whisper] SG: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?" MG: "This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money." SG: "Really? What?" MG: "Get this, a two dollar bill." SG: "Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?" [incredulous] MG: "I don't know? He's kinda weird. Says the only other thing he has is a fifty." SG: "So, the fifty's fake?" MG: "NO, the $2 is." SG: "Why would he fake a $2 bill?" MG: "I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?" SG: "Yeah..." Security guard walks over to me and says SG: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use." ME: "Uh, no." SG: "Lemme see 'em." ME: "Why?" SG: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?" At this point I was ready to say, "SURE, PLEASE," but I wanted to eat, so I said ME: "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill." I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says SG: "Mike, what's wrong with this bill?" MG: "It's fake." SG: "It doesn't look fake to me." MG: "But it's a $2 bill." SG: "Yeah?" MG: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?" The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot, and it dawned on the guy that he had no clue. My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon things, too. Makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail. At least you get free food. ---------- SELF-DEFEATING STATEMENTS "I think all extremists should be shot." "I hate all those people who make generalisations" "I used to be apathetic, but now I just don't care." "I used to be indecisive, but now I just don't know." "I've decided that I procrastinate too much, but I'm going to change that in a week or so." "The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up." "I used to be conceited, but now I'm perfect." "Once I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken." "I'd give my right arm to be ambidexterous." "Thank God for atheism." "I'm not conceited. Conceit is a fault and I have no faults." "I'm not arrogant, I'm just better that you." --------------------------------------------------------- ON METAPHYSICS Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before. ON DEEP THOUGHTS A day without sunshine is like night. ON PARADOX AND RETURN POLICIES There is a CD out entitled "The Worst of Jefferson Airplane". If you buy this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back and demand a refund? ON HIGHER EDUCATION College is a fountain of knowledge... and the students are there to drink. ON MATHEMATICAL TRANSFORMS A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform. ON YOUTH Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk. -- Stephen King, 3/8/90 ON PROBLEM SOLVING When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail. -- Abraham Maslow ON MATERIALISM He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead. ON RELIGIOUS PRACTICES Photons have mass? I didn't know they were Catholic! ON INFINITY If you had everything, where would you keep it? ON ECONOMICS The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. ON PUBLISHING OR PERISHING I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. -- English Professor, Ohio University ON REVISIONIST HISTORY What was sliced bread the greatest thing since? ON DATING When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the occasional division by zero. ON POETIC LOVE When you're swimmin' in the creek And an eel bites your cheek That's a moray! -- Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers ON MODERNISM Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. ON MATERIAL SCIENCE Character density: The number of very weird people in the office. ON EXTINCTION Save the whales. Collect the whole set. ON LITERATURE This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. -- Dorothy Parker ON HUMILITY To err is human, to moo bovine. ON EXPLANATION OF THE END ... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs. -- Robert Firth ON PROPHECY The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse. ON EXCUSES I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. -- Joe Walsh ON NUMBERS Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for very large values of 2. ON WORLD POLITICS Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock. AND FINALLY, ON DRUGS AND DEVELOPMENT There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence. ----------------------------------------- The following student comments were gleaned from essays, examinations and classroom discussions. These beguiling theories are in no way hypothetical. They are all real and attest to the high level of scientific literacy in our nation: * In some rocks we find the fossil footprints of fishes. * Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil. * All animals were here before mankind. The animals lived peacefully until mankind came along and made roads, houses, hotels and condoms. * Sir Isaac Newton invented gravity. * The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down. * Galileo showed that the earth was round and not vice versa. He dropped his balls to prove gravity. * Mare Curie did her research at the Sore Buns Institute in France. * Men are mammals and women are femammals. * Proteins are composed of a mean old acid. * The largest mammals are to be found in the sea because there is nowhere else to put them. * Involuntary muscles are not as willing as voluntary ones. * Methane, a greenhouse gas, comes from the burning of trees and cows. * The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom. * Water is melted steam. * Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas. * A monkey has a reprehensible tail. * Some people say we condescended from the apes. * The leopard has black spots which look like round soars on its body. Those who catch soars get leprosy. * A cuckoo does not lay its own eggs. * To remove air from a flask, fill the flask with water, tip the water out and put the cork in, quick. * The three cavities of the body are the head cavity, the tooth cavity and the abominable cavity. * Most books say the sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into the sun in the daytime. * Cadavers are dead bodies that have donated themselves to science. This procedure is called gross anatomy. * The cause of dew is through the earth revolving on its own axis and perspiring freely. * Hot lather comes from volcanoes, when it cools it turns into rocks. * A liter is a nest of young baby animals. * The earth makes a resolution every 24 hours. * Parallel lines never meet unless you bend one or both of them. * Algebra was the wife of Euclid. * A circle is a figure with 0 corners and only one side. * A right angle is 90 degrees Farenhight. * Genetics explains why you look like your father and if you don't, why you should. * A supersaturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold. * The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects. * Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, then expectoration. * An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat. * The hydra gets its food by descending upon its prey and pushing it into its mouth with its testicles. * If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence. * Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water. * When oxygen is combined with anything, heat is given off. This is known as constipation. * The hookworm larva enters the body through the soul. * As the rain forests in the Amazon are shrinking, so are the Indians. * A major discovery was made by Mary Leaky, who found a circle of rocks that broke wind. * The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to. * You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit so never mind. -------------------------------------------------------------------- True stories can be hilarious! Real Stories From Our National Parks ... don't leave your keys A visitor to Glacier National Park in Montana lost his car keys while attempting to lure a ground squirrel by dangling the keys out in front of the critter. The squirrel grabbed the keys and ran down a hole with them. The keys were never retrieved, a ranger cited the man for harassment of wildlife, and a locksmith was called to make new car keys. ... putting our loved ones at risk for a photo In May of 1994, Tony Moore, 43, of Marietta, Georgia, was gored and seriously injured by a large male bison in Yellowstone, next to the Lake Hotel. Moore and a friend had approached to within 15 feet of the bison to have their pictures taken. While they were standing with their backs to the animal, it charged. Moore's companion escaped, but Moore received a severe puncture wound in his right thigh and was taken by ambulance to a hospital in Jackson for treatment. ... watching for falling rocks A visitor setting up camp at Lake Eleanor in Yosemite National Park hit herself on the head with a rock while trying to string up her food to protect it from bears. ... requesting assistance In 1994, a woman visiting from the Bay Area embarked on a solo hike to the summit of El Capitan in Yosemite. When she became lost and saw a storm brewing, she called 911 from her cellular phone and asked to be rescued. A helicopter found her barely off the trail and one-fourth to half a mile from the top of El Cap. When the 'copter lifted off and the woman saw how close she was to her summit goal, she asked the crew to set her down on top. When the crew declined, she threatened to sue them for kidnapping. .. caring for the creatures A woman, appearing rather distraught, came into the visitor center at Redwood National Park in California to report that she had seen several Irish setters lying along the edge of the highway and she feared they were dead or injured. Rangers explained to her that these were pieces of redwood bark that had fallen off logging trucks. ... asking for directions Darryl Stone, now superintendent at Jefferson National Expansion Memorial in St. Louis, remembered working the entrance station at Yosemite when a woman drove up and asked, "Which way are the geysers?" Ranger Stone directed her to continue 1,000 miles further to Yellowstone and told her there were no geysers at Yosemite. "Yes, there are," she said. "I have a friend who saw them." Stone and the woman went round and round several times before she left, insisting that there were geysers at Yosemite. Later she wrote a letter to the chief ranger complaining that Stone had refused to provide her with the information she wanted. ... back-seat driving, as always When an elderly couple stopped to film some bears at Dunraven Pass in Yellowstone, a young bear crawled into their car searching for food. Unable to make the bear leave, the exasperated (but well-dressed) couple drove about 17 miles to the ranger station at Canyon Village with the bear in the backseat. When the husband got out to report the incident, the bear hopped over into the front seat so that investigating rangers found the woman in the passenger seat and the bear behind the wheel. ... all tuckered out from our day hikes In 1993 a woman called 911 from the top of Half Dome using her cellular phone. According to dispatch, she reported: "Well, I'm at the top and I'm really tired." The answering ranger asked if she felt sick. "No," she said, "I'm just really tired and I want my friends to drive to the base and pick me up."The dispatcher explained that she would have to hike down the trail she had ascended. The visitor replied, "But you don't understand, I'm really tired." What happened next? "It turned out we got really lucky," the ranger said,"her phone battery died." .. taking mementos home with us Each year visitors to Petrified Forest National Park in Arizona pocket an estimated 12 tons of petrified wood to take home (despite numerous warnings not to take wood and the fact that this criminal violation carries a minimum fine of $275). Some years back, several female foreign visitors, clad only in bikinis, were observed hiding wood in their garments. Another time, rangers received a report that a man had put a large piece of wood in his car. Upon searching his vehicle, they found a 40-pound piece of petrified wood in his trunk. According to rangers, this visitor said he didn't know how it got there. "My four-year-old son must have put it in there," the man said. ... ever alert to terrorism A group of European visitors came into the Wawona ranger station in Yosemite National Park and said, "Our car is parked at the trail head and it's been blown up by terrorists." Though rangers expressed some doubt, the visitors insisted that a bomb had exploded in their car and that they could see powder residue from the explosives. Investigating rangers indeed found that a door had been torn off and a powder-like substance--pancake flour--was strewn about the car."They were quite embarrassed when we showed them the bear prints," the ranger said. .. ignoring the sage advice of rangers A camper at Long Pine Key in Everglades National Park decided to take a dip in the lake with her dog despite signs saying "No swimming--Danger--Alligators."She swam to an island about 75 yards from the shore, then saw some alligators and refused to swim back. "Didn't you see the signs?" asked the ranger who retrieved her in a canoe. "Sure," she said, "but I didn't think they applied to me." "Park incidents were compiled by writer Debra Shore, a frequent contributor to Outside....but wait! There's more! Read on! ...Some...uh...memorable questions from park visitors...(and you thought Informtion Desk duty was a hoot!)....... "What time do they let the animals out in the park?" --Visitor at Denali National Park "Why did the Indians only build ruins?" --Visitor at the Grand Canyon "What is your best parking area?" --Visitor at Zion National Park "Where's the road to the summit?" --Visitor at Mount Rainier National Park "Don't you think the polluted sky makes a much prettier sunset?" --Visitor at Indiana Dunes National Lakeshore Grand Canyon National Park: Was this man-made? I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom--where is it? Is the mule train air-conditioned? So where are the faces of the presidents? Everglades National Park: Are the alligators real? Are the baby alligators for sale? Where are all the rides? What time does the two o'clock bus leave? Mesa Verde National Park: Did people build this, or did Indians? Why did they build the ruins so close to the road? Do you know of any undiscovered ruins? What did they worship in the kivas--their own made-up religion? Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado? Carlsbad Caverns National Park: How much of the cave is underground? So what's in the unexplored part of the cave? Does it ever rain in here? How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up? So what is this--just a hole in the ground? Yosemite National Park: Where are the cages for the animals? What time of year do you turn on Yosemite Falls? What happened to the other half of Half Dome? Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton? Denali National Park: What time do you feed the bears? What's so wonderful about Wonder Lake? Can you show me where yeti lives? How often do you mow the tundra? How much does Mount McKinley weigh? Yellowstone National Park: Does Old Faithful erupt at night? How do you turn it on? When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep? We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits? -------------------- Subject: Fw: WSF? ** Analogies You Probably Won't Find in Great Literature Analogies You Probably Won't Find in Great Literature The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield) McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring) Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\ >aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase) Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man." (Russell Beland, Springfield) Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.) John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield) The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. (Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria) His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. (Jennifer Frank and Jimmy Pontzer, Washington and Sterling) ---------------- These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine: 1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience. 2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms. 3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year. 4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave. 5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions. 6. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades. 7. Its best for employers that I not work with people. 8. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience. 9. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time. 10. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details. 11. I was working for my mom until she decided to move. 12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments. 13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse. 14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs ... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail. 15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing. 16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage. 17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant. 18. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments. 19. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far. 20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store. 21. Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job. 22. Marital status: often. Children: various. 23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions. 24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers. 25. Finished eighth in my class of ten. 26. References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.